Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
COCAINE IS GR8
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I am mentally ready for anal.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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