Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
