I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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