Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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