rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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