Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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