We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
