i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
