it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
