She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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