Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
