weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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