Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
