And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
