I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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