If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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