I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
