woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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