I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't deserve a penis
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
