you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
