Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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