Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
