her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
