I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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