I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
