I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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