dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
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just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
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I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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