She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
