well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So squirting runs in the family.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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