What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
