Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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