My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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