1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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