You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
