4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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