I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
