I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
