It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
we're so committed to being not committed
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
