She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
