he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
