Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
