youre lurking in front of me
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
