he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
