You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
