we have pet lesbian snakes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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