Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
