Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
