she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
