ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
