last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
