the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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