it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
