There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
