we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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