I met the friendliest cop last night
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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